hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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