I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
