K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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