i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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