my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
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