I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Randomize
