dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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