if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
