I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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