And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
