The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
