I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
