I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
