the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Sorry about my life...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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