Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
