i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
