I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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