I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
