Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
