just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
