Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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