i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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