I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
