i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
