The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
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If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
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I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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