And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
