This dress was meant to end up on your floor
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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