It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
