he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Drunk is not a location!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
