3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
