It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
