she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
