You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
