Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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