he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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