Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
