Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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