I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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