Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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