went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I want a musical about memes.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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