FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Hippo gnu deer
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Watching her eat just hurts me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
