If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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