There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
