Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
