where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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