i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
