Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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