I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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