I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
