Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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