every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
