I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
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Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
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I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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