dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
