when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
