Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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