I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wish my penis had an off switch
It's like God shit irony all over that family
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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