Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I need a beard to bite.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
